Thursday, December 24, 2015
For me, I love listening more than talking. It doesn't mean I can't talk. Talking is not really a big problem for me. I only talk with people whom I want to talk to. Either I don't want to join a silly conversation or I think I don't have the capacity to talk. That's my big problem. Why? Because it doesn't help me to go through my current life.
Living in skyscraperland, force me to talk, talk, and talk. At first, I refuse to make a conversation with some people, but do I have a choice? No. If I refuse to do it, my hard work will be wasted. So I must continue this journey and asking courage to break my limit. The important thing is not about talk or quite, but the action to prove that God provide all I need to be what He wants me to be.
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Kecantikan mama terpancar dari kebaikan hati mama.
Mama adalah wanita kuat dibalik setiap air matanya yang sangat jarang terlihat.
Mama sangat berarti dalam hidupku.
Terima kasih, Mama.
Semoga aku selalu dapat menjadi anak yang membanggakan mama.
Saturday, December 12, 2015
|It took Scrooge to the scenes of his childhood and youth. |
He was shocked to see a young Scrooge, a lonely but imaginative boy.
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Saturday, November 7, 2015
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Itu semua karena aku tipe orang yang sangat mudah tidur dimanapun aku berada. Istilah anak-anak jaman sekarang "Pelor" a.k.a "nemPel moLor". Bahkan di motor, aku juga bisa tidur. Yes, itu bahaya sih tapi rasa ngantuknya susah banget di lawan. Hampir berkali-kali ngerasa mau jatuh dari motor karena sangkin ngantuknya dalam 1 jam perjalanan Sudirman-Cilandak. Ngantuk kali ini disebabkan oleh banyak begadang baca buku. Solanya aku mendapat saran yang useful banget dari pembimbing kasuistik periode pertama: BACA BUKU.
BUKU memang bener-bener jendela dunia. Banyak hal-hal yang belum aku tau akhirnya jadi tau. Terkadang aku baca buku sampe ga sadar ketiduran, sampe pengen muntah, sampe penasaran gak berenti-berenti. Tapi ada saat dimana ga pengen nyentuh buku sama sekali karena muak. Haha..
H-3 sebelum aku case-conference. Masih terlalu banyak buku yang rasanya pengen aku baca. Artinya, masih banyak kopi yang harus aku minum supaya mata bisa melek dan konsentrasi. Aku jadi kagum sama kakak aku dulu. Pas kakak aku masih kuliah, dia bisa melek subuh-subuh belajar sendiri. Bisa tidur larut malam belajar sendiri. What a great role model!
Kopi & buku adalah pasangan yang serasi. Dasar manusia, masih saja merasa ada kurangnya. Aku berpikir kalau kopi & buku akan terasa lengkap jika ada teman diskusi. Dari diskusi, aku bisa dapet banyak insight dari apa yang orang lain pikirkan mengenai apa yang dibaca. Sayangnya hal tersebut gak aku dapat dari orang yang paling aku harapkan di periode ini. Tidak apa-apa, paling tidak aku belajar mencukupkan diriku dengan apa yang ada.
Kopi & Buku, terima kasih :)
Friday, October 30, 2015
Kerja praktek sudah berjalan dua minggu. Selama magang banyak pengalaman-pengalaman yang 'wow' banget. Rasanya seperti melihat visualisasi apa yang selama ini sudah dipelajari. Rasanya buku-buku yang sudah dibaca termanifestasi dengan orang-orang yang datang ke sana. Terkadang di ruangan itu ikut sedih karena mendengar keluhan klien. Beruntungnya petugas-petugas di sana juga friendly Dan helpful banget.
Untuk periode 1 ini, semua keadaan sangat challenging Dan stressful. Masa-masa ini memasuki wilayah bagian baper nan sensitif. Pada awalnya sempat terpikir, kok sial banget dapet keadaan yang begini. Padahal gua bukan tipe orang yang percaya kesialan, jarang mengeluh, dengan kontrol emosi yang tinggi. Malah sekarang bener-bener powerless kemudian berakhir dengan impulsif dalam mengekspresikan perasaan- which is itu dulu salah satu hal yang sulit dilakukan. Ha-ha.
Ini toh ya yang namanya out from comfort zone. Begini toh yang namanya S2. Begini toh yang namanya dianggap dewasa. Bener-bener hampir gak ada comfortnya. Herannya dalam keadaan begini malah banyak banget yang jadi gua sadari dan pelajari. Sangat berharap Tuhan terus kasih gua kekuatan, kebijaksanaan dalam belajar untuk menolong orang lain dalam rangka merespon kasih Tuhan yang terlebih dahulu sudah Dia berikan untuk gua.
Rasanya kalau dijalani sendiri memang berat but thank God, You never leave me behind.
Friday, October 16, 2015
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Mungkin kita terlalu sibuk untuk duduk bersama
Mungkin kita terlalu sibuk untuk bercerita
Mungkin kita terlalu sibuk untuk mendengarkan
Mungkin kita terlalu sibuk untuk hadir dalam kehidupan masing masing.
Mungkin kita lupa alasan kita sibuk adalah untuk duduk bersama, bercerita, mendengarkan, dan hadir dalam kehidupan masing-masing.
Bogor, 6 Okt 2015
- Dalam kesibukan
Thursday, October 1, 2015
One fine evening, I was running with a friend. We decided to separate our way because we cannot make the same pace.
And when I ran, suddenly a random thought came up in my mind.
"How long, dear, how long you would like to go alone by yourself?"
As a psychology student, I tend to think self-centered, especially clinical psychology. I tend to analyze such: "What does make a person can have a specific personality...?", "What is the underlying motives of someone when he/ she doing something..?". That kind of questions I internalizing to myself. It makes me going crazy because I always end up with the way to see myself: I am not good enough to be loved, to have friends, to have family, to be success.
At the same time, my relationship with others ruin by the negative emotions I hold on so much and finally "boom!". Yes, exploded! But I really realize I am blessed surrounded with best friends who are loveable and have patients for they can understand me even when I don't.
Back to the question that cross my mind in that evening... I know I missed something on this journey. Someone reminds me that "It is good to see yourself, bad and good side, but it cannot stop there. Look beyond your self. It is God at the cross for you. So whatever you may feel about yourself, as long as you go back to God, you are loved. God already has give everything for you!"
He created me with purpose so I no longer walk alone. Not necessarily overwhelmed with my weakness. For in my weakness He will be glorified! And I realize, growth in God's grace is a process and not an event. I don't have to avoid the difficulties of life, but I can rest assured that He will use each moment to prepare me for the place He is taking me!
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Each moment that happening increases my assertiveness, and I'm starting to try let go what is on my mind. And when I am about to give up, there is always at least a person who remind me that I might be not like to stop now because it is too late to return to where I start.
Now, I know my limit more clear. I know my self more clear. And the most important thing is I know who is create me more clear.
And I am so excited yet a bit afraid what I am going to face next.. I am still working on my faith and praying that God will always remind me that He guides me along the way yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
Saturday, August 29, 2015
I am not capable also to show my anger, my disappointment, nor my protest in a proper way so I keep it for my self alone.
Once, I ask God deeply..... Why should I in this situation? You know that I don't like to be the center of attention, do I? Why people treat me inappropriate? Why do some people are try to mess up my mind? Why do you allow my emotions, my feelings just like a roller coaster.. - In this up and down emotion, I try very hard not to ruin my relationship with others.
This time, it's hard, yes, it's hard...
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
I don't have what-to-do list in this holiday. Actually, I'd like to travel but as a student (again) I do not have my own money to fulfill this wish. Poor me. But I think that is good enough because so there is only one thing in my list: get some rest! (I almost sleep late lately). In fact, taking rest is not the only one I did, I become upik abu because my Assistent Rumah Tangga is mudik. Beside become upik abu, I hang out with my brothers and sister from my local church. One of brothers is just back from Bengkulu. He works there and I am happy to see him here.
A lot of things happen in the past days, study and exams are still dominating my days. Fyi, there is always be an exam in the end of the week. Believe it or not, I love it. I really love analyzing what is really happen inside someone although sweat comes out from my head, my hand shakes (tired after writing 8 pages folios exam) and it can make me headache but it is okay. I want to help people. I love see people improving their ability to live, to love, and to dream.
Beside study, this month is the end of LG and LCG season. What is that? Hmm.. You can read my last couple post, I have explained about that. I have a sister in LCG and we usually meet for 1-2 hours per week to update one another's life. She is a very great listener and friend. A bit anxious about the new beginning of the next LCG. Can I adapt again, sharing about my personal life, with new sister in the next season of LCG? I have difficulties in interpersonal relationship with new people and I am still trying to fix it.
Last thing I want to update here is I am very blessed because I met again with my old friend after months, the one who I think is never give up on me. Actually so many questions about this friendship. Well, let God use this friendship to bless one another and see where He want 'us' go.
Tomorrow is my last holiday and I am ready to study again. I hope everyone have a great holiday as happy as me even more!
Monday, July 6, 2015
|I am afraid.|
I am ashamed of being scared and afraid of my future for I know I have a big God. Blessed me, I always have people who always remind me there is nothing to worry about. Last weekend, I met two of my ex co-workers. We talked about how our life is going. I can see the hand of God who has done a great work on them and I believe He won't stop there. As I saw how God works on their life, my ex co-worker said to me, she also see how I have been growing in maturity. For me, personally, yes, I have changed but there is still a lot of room improvement that I need to keep on going. One of them is my doubt about the future, about my self, and my life.
In that meeting we talk about how Jesus Christ describe His self as the Vine, and we, people, are the branches. And he wants us to be always remain on Him so we can be fruitful. And that is the sign of true disciples. And it will bring glory to Father.
It teaches me about God's character. God is the responsible one for the growing of the branches. So if I can reflecting that passage to my condition now, I feel like I don't need to worry as long as I remain on Him - not count on my own strength. For He will taking care my life. And what I need to do is to be fruitful - using everything that He has given to me. So if in the future I have to face failure (again), I may feel discourage, I may feel upset, but what I will not go apart from Jesus. I want to keep believe and remain on Him for the failure is one of ways He prunes and purifies me.
My daily applications to responds the words are:
- Keep reading holy bible
- Keep praying about everything
- Take any chances when other need my help (when I possible to help)
- Think and do other ways to help people if they ask my favor when I can't do it
- Text or call my friends to show them that I am care for them
Well, my insecurity is: 'what if I failed? what if they are not reply my message, say no to me, or reject me?", I will not give up and stop. I will always remain on Him and will be fruitful.
|I am not going to quit.|
Monday, June 15, 2015
Yes, don't be surprise. We are in the middle of the year now.
I am pretty excited about what will happen for I am sure there will be many struggles ahead and I believe in every struggle I will see God's grace and His kindness that brings goodness.
So I want to share about one of struggles-miracles phase in my life.
Hopefully you remember about the last post when I wrote about the self-development program from Campus. I take a chance for an extension session in weekday- counseling. Today.
Personally I did not make any preparation, what to tell, what to complain about, or else.
I just try to figure out what trait of me that possible to be the obstacle in my internship.
At first, this is it: moody. Predictable, isn't it?
She helps me find ways no to be moody anymore.. I think I can try it anyway.
And I do not know why, I could not hold my tongue to share about a part of my childhood and remember what I had been through. If you want to know, my childhood was terrible.
|Kinda what I feel when I was a kid.|
I talk to my counselor: "Ma'am, I..was... a terrible person, a difficult person... Maybe I had all the disorders in the DSM.. I had commit suicide three times without no one knew. I could hide all my feeling and pretending everything was going fine. Without no one knew. Yes, without no one knew. I didn't have a childhood life that every child dreaming of. But if I see my life now... I am amazed.. that I have grown up to be a strong young lady."
|"The only person you need to compare yourself to is who you have been. |
The only person you need to be better than is who you are now."
Throwing back my childhood always feels like God has been exposing my uncountable sin and also my weakness, yet show me how His faithfulness that always change me to be better continuously and how His unending love never fails work on me.. I believe that struggle-miracles phase is one of some ways how God wants us to be surrender at Him, depend on no one but Him.
|God doesn't waste anything.|
You are not defined by your past. You are prepared by your past.
It makes me do not want to stop chasing the calling that He has put on me as a (soon to be) psychologist. Knowing that I have a privilege to do a part of His great plan for anyone whom He will send to me, even when it seems impossible and beyond my ability..
|"God doesn't call the qualified. He qualifies the called."|
Saturday, June 6, 2015
Last month, all of my lectures said "this semester holiday is gonna your 'last holiday'".
Knowing that it will be my 'last holiday' I asked my parents to take me with them to Jambi. Why Jambi? My parents have forestry there for about 10 years and still counting, but I haven't see it yet. Finally, here we are!
|The Car we usually use in the forest.|
|Me and the stuff.|
|A house in the middle of forest.|
I walked for hectares trying to see the whole forest but I can't, too tired. It is literally tropical forest. I mean, a lot of big trees, very hot, strange insects, and so on that I can't see in the city. My parents told me how they spent days there to control the situation and I am amazed how God gives them strength, wisdom, and spirit to operate all the things. I never regrets spent my about four days holiday there.
|Rombongan Jakarta Barat|
|Rombongan Jakarta Utara|
|>_< Bunnted >_<|
Saturday, May 9, 2015
Thursday, April 23, 2015
I know it is too late to write a letter for you. And I know, you will never read this letter that I wrote. You might be now somewhere only God and you - yourself knew. But I could not hold my hand to type these word by word to express my feeling and my gratitude how blessed I am by your book. Your books has been being my friend in this week. I understand your purpose to bless others as much as possible with your life - I am sure you accomplish it, you just add one person, and it is me.
I thank God for letting me read your book, thank God for letting you finish this book. You teach me about the bricks in front of me now. You tell me that the bricks are not to make us do not see things what we want to get, the bricks are to show us how bad we want the things. You tell me to not give up on our childhood dreams and how you work with it.
What I really love about your book is you. Instead of writing wisdom words, I love your way when you show that you do not let your pancreatic cancer -your 3-6 month left living- is not steal your spirit to leave. You teach me to treat the disease not the symptom. You show me that we never accomplish our success by our own self. It is need others. And recognize their kindness is a part of our successful journey.
Thank you, Randy Pausch, for help me to see my self through your perspective of living. And you close your book with the statement that I need the most this time.
"It's not achieve your dreams. It's about to lead your life. If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself. The dreams will come to you."
For right now I failed to achieve some of dreams, and dying with them, I almost have no courage to live my life again. But I need to die with the memories, not me, not the dreams. I have to stand up again. Lead my life right way, and God will take care the whole things. The dreams will come to me.
Dear Jai and the children,
Jai, you surely have a very incredible husband. Dylan, Logan, Chloe, you all are winning the parent lottery, just like your dad had. I pray for each of you, you can be what you want to be, just like Randy wish for you all. I really would like to meet you all and talk about something meaningful life to encourage people to live their life - to be what they are want to be.
Dear Jeffrey Zaslow,
You are the best!
With all my respect to your family,
Sunday, April 19, 2015
I do not know if its true love? True love.. It is undefined. And love only need one person to love others, but...
Relationship need two person, stay together, fight the world together, last forever.
We had once in a relationship that not last and we decided you go your way and I go mine.
Now it is clear to see that your way is holding on another's hand, someone you're in relationship with, to the aisle and say the vow. Happy wedding for you and for the lucky girl. Hope you both have a happy marriage life. Amen.
Saturday, April 11, 2015
And though the storms may come, I am holding on to the rock I cling.
How can I keep from singing your praise?
How can I ever say enough how amazing is Your love...
How can I keep from shouting Your Name?
I know I am loved by the King and it makes my heart want to sing.
I will lift my eyes in the darkest night for I know my Savior lives.
And I will walk with You.
Knowing You'll see me through and sing the songs You give.
I can sing in the troubled times
Sing when I win
I can sing when I lose my step and fall down again
I can sing 'cause You pick me up
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Saturday, February 28, 2015
A couple weeks ago, he brings back my old friend. Since we rarely have a conversation, I don't want to bother or annoy him. Suprisingly, he reached me on Line on a Sunday evening. We had some kind a pleasant converasation and decided to meet on Feb 14, 2015. Means..... Means.. Finally I would have a 'normal' what they called valentine day. For me, valentine day is not really a big thing. But what makes it big for about last four years is - I don't know why- my (any) relationship always ended up on Feb 14. Terrible.
So, I was so excited when I know at least I would go have fun with my old friend.
And this week, I was suprised with what God brings into my days. Almost each day on last week, I met my friends. On Monday I met my Life Change Group's friend. Tuesday, I met Life Group's friends. Wednesday, I met my speech club's friends. Thursday, I met one of LG's friend. Friday, I met my first friend when I was in College, which is my best friend. And tonight I met my best friend also. I actually have no idea what He wants me to do by meeting so many friends than usual. I prefer to think that, the meeting is a present from God, to show me that He blessed me. As simple as that.
February was a surprise month for me. Maybe I haven't accomplish my latest goal for 2014 but I don't need always to think about goal. I only need to enjoy my journey. And yes, I do.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Friday, January 9, 2015
#1 Bad beginning doesn't mean you will have a bad ending
If I remember what I was going through in January - March 2014, it was not really a good condition to start a happy new year because of something. And I still remember how hard I need to encourage my self to do my daily activities. By the time, thank God, things were going fine. And what I learn from those months is, no matter how hard life is, there is always a way to face the burden as a long as I have 'hope' to get a better condition.
#2 People trust you too much, even when you don't
This is related with office matters. Sometimes people around me, they were count on me too much even when I feel I couldn't do it. But their faith in me made me did my best. Sometimes when I did my best, I failed. Still, there was a way out, God's provide. On May 2014, I finally resigned from office to continue my education. Sad and happy at the same time ;)
#4 Miracle does not happen as what human's think. It works with God's thought.
My family never plan to get some vacation to Australia. But everything was clearly to see God's grace. Low price flight, perfect time with some relatives there, weather, EVERYTHING!
I thought, I would have flight with my friend, but then God had another plan. Yes, miracle is not happen by what I thought, it is God's.
#5 Sometimes you don't really need what you really want
June - July 2104. World offers me a different kind happiness, a new kind of happiness, which I thought I need it. And I try so hard to get it as well. And I was wrong. Everything can be a source of happiness. Things are temporary but sincerity is eternal.
#6 The distance between people should be measure by the distance of their heart not the measure of inches, kilos, or miles
August - September 2014. I met some old friends from far-far away. It is sad when we have to say good -bye to people we love. But as long as we have the willingness to share about what is happen in our life each other constantly, the distance become closer no matter how far the distance between, and vice versa.
#7 People will forget what you have told them, but they will not forget how you make them feel
Master degree is beyond my imagination. A lot of new chances and many things come into my life. I know I have been blessed because people around me always support me. Some people may talk to me how they are want to see me shine. Some people do actions and encourage me. October - December 2014 show me that I may forget words were given to me, but I will never forget the feeling how people treat me (both right and wrong).
#8 No matter how hard you try to be kind, you are not resist from pain
Overall, I realize everything happens to make ourselves more beautiful. It means no matter how life brings you up and down, you always have choice to be better, not bitter. Because no matter you do your best, there is always at least someone who doesn't like your work. No matter you do try to be kind, at least, there is always someone who will betray you. You don't have to hate that people for misunderstood you because sometime you do, misunderstood others.
To all of my friends, thank you for by my side on 2014. Looking back the lesson learned on 2014, I am so excited for the adventures God has in store for me in 2015.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
So now I achieved 4/5! Yeeeeyy!! Hopefully, one more 2014's goal will happen in this January 2015 as well *pray*
What I just achieved is finally I become a 'Competent Communicator' (CC) in my speech club.
It really takes courage to deliver my basic manual 10. The purpose of the speech is to inspiring the audience. In my opinion, one thing that could inspire others is the experience about our own self so we can let the audience know about what we exactly going through this life and how we overcome the burden we have. Because everyone has their own burden. And I believe, to share about our past or our experience including the emotion (pain, happiness, etc) is not a kid's stuff. But that is the only way how our life should be a testimony for others, to encourage others by our experience.
So I decided to share about my past - something that I don't really like to share to others. Not everyone has privilege to know the pain of my past. But my speech club has given me so many things. The members give their best. It is so unfair if I don't give my best. And only by let them know who I really am I can show them, I love them back.
I started to write the draft and share it to Erwin, Praw, and Lia. They give me feedback, both the content and the technical of delivering speech. Can't lie that my eyes easily get glassy when I read their comments. And I don't mind to share some comments here:
|With Tantia, my mentor.|
|Cynthia Eveline, CC got a hug from Lia, Ms. President.|
|Me as the best prepared speech.|
I am very blessed to have this community. They take me as I am and allow me to grow and improve my self.
The best thing in that night is God give a full moon outside (my favorite moon). It is very beautiful :)
After through a rough season of life - valley of darkness - I feel relief and can breath again. I met someone a couple year ago. He seemed...
Don't cry and let me hug you. I know you are trying your hardest.
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