June, you remind me about my childhood.

It's June already.
Yes, don't be surprise. We are in the middle of the year now.
I am pretty excited about what will happen for I am sure there will be many struggles ahead and I believe in every struggle I will see God's grace and His kindness that brings goodness.

So I want to share about one of struggles-miracles phase in my life.
Hopefully you remember about the last post when I wrote about the self-development program from Campus. I take a chance for an extension session in weekday- counseling. Today.
Personally I did not make any preparation, what to tell, what to complain about, or else.
I just try to figure out what trait of me that possible to be the obstacle in my internship.
At first, this is it: moody. Predictable, isn't it?
She helps me find ways no to be moody anymore.. I think I can try it anyway.
And I do not know why, I could not hold my tongue to share about a part of my childhood and remember what I had been through. If you want to know, my childhood was terrible.

Kinda what I feel when I was a kid. 

                             
I talk to my counselor: "Ma'am, I..was... a terrible person, a difficult person... Maybe I had all the disorders in the DSM.. I had commit suicide three times without no one knew. I could hide all my feeling and pretending everything was going fine. Without no one knew. Yes, without no one knew. I didn't have a childhood life that every child dreaming of. But if I see my life now... I am amazed.. that I have grown up to be a strong young lady."

"The only person you need to compare yourself to is who you have been.
The only person you need to be better than is who you are now." 

Throwing back my childhood always feels like God has been exposing my uncountable sin and also my weakness, yet show me how His faithfulness that always change me to be better continuously and how His unending love never fails work on me.. I believe that struggle-miracles phase is one of some ways how God wants us to be surrender at Him, depend on no one but Him.

God doesn't waste anything.
You are not defined by your past. You are prepared by your past. 

It makes me do not want to stop chasing the calling that He has put on me as a (soon to be) psychologist. Knowing that I have a privilege to do a part of His great plan for anyone whom He will send to me, even when it seems impossible and beyond my ability..

"God doesn't call the qualified. He qualifies the called."

Unashamed - Starfield

I have not much to offer You
Not near what You deserve
But still I come because Your cross has placed in me my worth

Oh, Christ my King Of sympathy whose wounds secure my peace
Your grace extends to call me friend
Your mercy sets me free

And I know I'm weak I know I'm unworthy to call upon Your name

But because of grace, because of Your mercy

I stand here unashamed

I can't explain this kind of love
I'm humbled and amazed that You'd come down from heavens heights
And greet me face to face

Here I am at Your feet
In my brokeness complete

At your feet.. Incomplete

May: What a Friend I Have in Jesus

Counting days to my birthday. Frankly, I’m feeling so old. I do not know why.

I assume it due to heavy days I through in last 5 months. What kind of heavy days?

When you sure with all your faith to get something but in the end of the day all you have got is nothing. You feel disappointed, desperate, hating the circumstance. The fact seems destroy all faith you had once before.

That’s what I felt.

My faith seems disappeared. I tried to cover all my sadness behind my smile, my laugh. I tried to find things that can make me happy because crying didn’t help anymore. For example: Eat. My weight increased!! It makes another unexpected problem xD

I spend times hang out with new friends just to trying something different, other kind of fun, but I guess it did not work as well.

I began being a selfish person just to make my mood better, getting my happy self back, and to get the faith I used to have before.

But again… It didn’t work.

Today, my father helps me to remember what kind of faith I had once. It was on my Senior High School. It held a final examination. When everybody planned to cheat, I stand up and said, “I’ll try my best. I trust on you, God. I know you help me to pass this test.” Thank God. In that time, God helps me and I passed without any cheat. My father said he was really proud of me in that time.

In that time, God says “yes” for my request.

In this time, God says “no” for my request.

I know, now the problem is: Will I still count on Him? Will I still trust on Him?

For the last 5 months my disappointed answer was “No. Hard to believe in you anymore, God. You didn’t let me get what You put in front of my eyes. How come I still trust You?”

But today God answer me with Isaiah 55: 8-13 (NIV)

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways.” Declares the LORD.

“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower. And bread for the eater.

So is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of field will clap their hands.

Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree, and instead of briers the myrtle will grow. This will be for the LORD’s renown, for an everlasting sign, which will not be destroyed.

Those words make me feel guilty and shame for feeling disappointed and I ask for forgiveness at this.

So now, if God ask me one more time if I still trust on Him, I answer: Yes, LORD.

I give Him a give in singing with my simple voice and my guitar playing (the back sound ‘woof. Woof’ is my dog’s  voice xD). Click here to listen :)

   

You raise me up

Today's Preaching

Today I went to another Church in Jakarta. I attend the service with a friend of mine.

The Pastor was from Philippine. Automatically I remember my old friend in that Country and wondering how he is doing.. Okay, that's not what I want to tell. Hehe.. ^o^

I would like to share what the Pastor teach.

At the moment Jesus raise to heaven He told us:

Go you therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: Teaching them to observe all things whatever I have commanded you: and, see, I am with you always, even to the end of the world. Amen.

(Matthew 28:19-20)a

He doesn't call us to just put a "Christian" as our religion. He wants more than that. He want  a relationship between Him and His people. "Christian" is just written not more than three times in the bible but "disciples" written more than a hundred. "Christian" is a religion. "Disciples" is a relationship between a leader and a follower. He wants an intimacy relationship because He loves us.

How can we conclude that He loves us? 

Because He gives us freedom.

 

God said in

John 14:15: If you love me, keep my commandments.

Any first word in the bible is written is the most important thing.

Where's the first command of God in the Bible?

Genesis 2:16

And the LORD God commanded the man, "You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of knowledge of good.

Why He doesn't want us to eat that fruit?

- He wants us to Free.

Free is a statement of love. Free means you don't need to pretend to be liked by others. Free means you can choose anything you want. He wants us to keep choose if Him when we tempt leave Him but He never forces us to do that.

He wants we do everything because we love him instead of afraid of Him.

Don't you think that He exactly know Adam will sin against Him of eating the forbidden fruit? 

Yes!!

He is surely know but why God is let Adam do the desire of Adam's own heart?

Because every relationship is based on trust. Trust is the foundation of love. Love is the motive of the relationship.

- Eat is the most enjoyable thing we can do.

So every time we eat we should remember God and thank Him for the food He is given.  

- He wants to do alone to show us what we should do what we should not.

He wants a relationship like a father advice his child.

The fact, we know finally both Adam and Woman eat that fruit.

Do you know the history why Woman can't trust a Man? 

Adam let the Woman eat the forbidden fruit. Why he doesn't stop a Woman to eat for he know God says that whoever eat that fruit will be died? He used the woman and watching whether she would die or no. Maybe in the CCTV of Eden shows Woman take fruit but who knows Adam hold the stair used by the Woman. And after all, When God ask Adam if he eat the forbidden fruit, what Adam said? Adam blamed the Woman and even God.

Genesis 3: 9-10

But the LORD God called to the man, "Where are you?" He answered, "I heard you in the garden, and I was naked; so I hid."

I am sure God knows where is Adam but He asked deeper than Adam physically. God asked:
Where is your heart? Where is your trust? You trust the evil? The woman? or me?

Where is our relationship?

Without trusting God, man is stupid! Adam was afraid, insecure, and the Woman lies. She said the Evil tempt her but actually she tempt by herself, admire the fruit itself.

So do we. When we do wrong, we feel afraid, insecure, and tell some lies.

God doesn't let his people died. He gives both of them pain as a signal when they do the wrong thing rather than kill them. So if we feel pain, maybe financial pain, heart pain of others, or any pains, those are a signal of God questions: "Where are you?","Where are your heart?", "Where is our relationship?".

Pain is an act of mercy.

And Finally God himself receive the pain at the cross, the pain that we should feel.

He has forgiven us because He loves us.

Forgiveness is a recipe of a relationship.

As God has forgive us we should forgive others.

:)

*What a nice preaching today