Skyscraperland - Season 2

If you really love to talk, probably listen to others is your problem. Even when someone speaks the truth to you. You can use your strong ability to speak and start to defense about what you think is right. And for you who loves listening, talking will always be your last choice. Some people choose to be quite and let anyone talk.
For me, I love listening more than talking. It doesn't mean I can't talk. Talking is not really a big problem for me. I only talk with people whom I want to talk to. Either I don't want to join a silly conversation or I think I don't have the capacity to talk. That's my big problem. Why? Because it doesn't help me to go through my current life.
Living in skyscraperland, force me to talk, talk, and talk. At first, I refuse to make a conversation with some people, but do I have a choice? No. If I refuse to do it, my hard work will be wasted. So I must continue this journey and asking courage to break my limit. The important thing is not about talk or quite, but the action to prove that God provide  all I need to be what He wants me to be.

Selamat hari ibu, Mama :)

Mamaku adalah seorang wanita yang hebat. 

Mamaku adalah seorang yang sederhana dan penuh pengorbanan.

Kecantikan mama terpancar dari kebaikan hati mama.

Terkadang mama lelah setelah pulang kerja tapi mama tetap pergi ke pasar membeli bahan makanan untuk kami semua. Mama juga lelah setelah pulang dari pasar tapi mama tetap membersihkan bahan makan sebelum dimasukan ke dalam kulkas. Setelah itu, mama akan memasak untuk kami semua. Terkadang kami tidak menghabiskan makanan yang sudah Beliau buat. Maafkan kami, mama.

Mama berprofesi sebagai dokter. Bagiku, mama lebih dari sekedar dokter. Mama adalah obat. Ketika aku sedang sakit, dengan adanya mama di sampingku, aku akan merasa jauh lebih baik.

Mama selalu mengajarkan aku supaya aku tetap menjadi orang yang rendah hati. Mama selalu bilang kalau apa yang Beliau miliki sekarang juga bukan karena kehebatannya. Mama selalu mengingatkan aku bahwa kesetiaan Tuhan yang menyertai keluarga kami.

Mama adalah wanita kuat dibalik setiap air matanya yang sangat jarang terlihat.

Mama sangat berarti dalam hidupku.

Terima kasih, Mama.
Semoga aku selalu dapat menjadi anak yang membanggakan mama.

Semoga pada waktunya, aku juga dapat menjadi mama yang hebat seperti mamaku.

Selamat hari ibu untuk semua wanita di dunia.

Selamat hari ibu untuk semua ibu-ibu di dunia.

A Christmas Carol in the Skyscraperland!

Have you ever heard or watch about "A Christmas Carol" story?

You can read the synopsis here if you have not known the story. 

I read the story so many times and watch it almost every Christmas.

But this year, I really experience "A Christmas Carol" in my life.

In this two years, I grew so bitter, hopeless, anger, and wasted my energy in negativity.

And it makes me unhappy as Mr. Scrooge feels. 

Like Mr. Scrooge who fly to the past and revisit to his childhood, God show me my childhood through my first client. It's like "I can feel your pain, Ma'am."

It took Scrooge to the scenes of his childhood and youth.
He was shocked to see a young Scrooge, a lonely but imaginative boy.

And in the present time, I can see what I've been through in the recent time by my second client and it makes me wanna say to her, "Oh, Ma'am, I know the feeling about doubting yourself."

It is not easy walking in the pain, act like you are okay and doing fine when you are exactly not.

Unconsciously, I become selfish to cover all the sadness.

God doesn't stop there. He brings me to the future in  a place called 'elderly house'. I meet a looooott of grandma there. But there is one grandma who realize me as a young lady, I should not ruin my youth with bitterness, hatred, and wasted my talents, instead, forgive, forget, and move on. In a second, physically and mentally I get the motivation to move on and not looking at past because it useless in this time. I don't want to get despair in my old age.

In the end of this year, God really knows how to touch my heart. And He did it.



Merry Christmas, everyone!
I hope God gives you all the spirit of Christmas,
a second chance to start a new life because Jesus Christ,
our savior was born to save us!

Don't be discouraged!

Skyscraperland is so horrible. I think no one would like to enter this place but I believe in far away, there will be a very wonderful place.

So in this challenging time, I hear a lot of screams, cries, and so on. I also have a lot of fear and doubtful inside. I am kind of optimistic person who always see the positive side. But it doesn't enough to calm me down. I just see my self just not like me. I am changing into someone weak, weaker than I ever think. and I am surprised. Especially when I knew that I failed in my first case examination. In this desperation time, I am humble enough to confess to God that I have no power anymore to stand. And I kneel, bowing ask Him a favor to lead the path. Ask Him a spirit to fix my eyes to know what He wants me to be.

He teaches me how not to count on human.

He teaches me to control my words.

He teaches me to listen to His words.

He teaches me to have endurance and patience.

He teaches me to trust in Him alone.

He teaches me to be still on Him.

Thank God, you never leave me behind. 

"So as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to Him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God. May you be strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy and giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." - Colossians 1:10-14

 

Fall in this place

Fall in this place (by Planetshakers)

Take me to that place, Lord, where there's nothing else but me and You

Longing for Your presence, I know that You're calling me to You

Here I stand and long for Your embrace

Nothing else could ever take Your place

Come Holy Spirit, fall in this place

I need more and more of you

Fill me again with the power of Your Spirit

Lord, I'm crying out for more and more of You 

Kopi & Buku

COFFEE have been my best companion lately.
Itu semua karena aku tipe orang yang sangat mudah tidur dimanapun aku berada. Istilah anak-anak jaman sekarang "Pelor" a.k.a "nemPel moLor". Bahkan di motor, aku juga bisa tidur. Yes, itu bahaya sih tapi rasa ngantuknya susah banget di lawan. Hampir berkali-kali ngerasa mau jatuh dari motor karena sangkin ngantuknya dalam 1 jam perjalanan Sudirman-Cilandak. Ngantuk kali ini disebabkan oleh banyak begadang baca buku. Solanya aku mendapat saran yang useful banget dari pembimbing kasuistik periode pertama: BACA BUKU.

BUKU memang bener-bener jendela dunia. Banyak hal-hal yang belum aku tau akhirnya jadi tau. Terkadang aku baca buku sampe ga sadar ketiduran, sampe pengen muntah, sampe penasaran gak berenti-berenti. Tapi ada saat dimana ga pengen nyentuh buku sama sekali karena muak. Haha..

H-3 sebelum aku case-conference. Masih terlalu banyak buku yang rasanya pengen aku baca. Artinya, masih banyak kopi yang harus aku minum supaya mata bisa melek dan konsentrasi. Aku jadi kagum sama kakak aku dulu. Pas kakak aku masih kuliah, dia bisa melek subuh-subuh belajar sendiri. Bisa tidur larut malam belajar sendiri. What a great role model!

Kopi & buku adalah pasangan yang serasi. Dasar manusia, masih saja merasa ada kurangnya. Aku berpikir kalau kopi & buku akan terasa lengkap jika ada teman diskusi. Dari diskusi, aku bisa dapet banyak insight dari apa yang orang lain pikirkan mengenai apa yang dibaca. Sayangnya hal tersebut gak aku dapat dari orang yang paling aku harapkan di periode ini. Tidak apa-apa, paling tidak aku belajar mencukupkan diriku dengan apa yang ada.

Kopi & Buku, terima kasih :)

Skyscraperland

Kerja praktek sudah berjalan dua minggu. Selama magang banyak pengalaman-pengalaman yang 'wow' banget. Rasanya seperti melihat visualisasi apa yang selama ini sudah dipelajari. Rasanya buku-buku yang sudah dibaca termanifestasi dengan orang-orang yang datang ke sana. Terkadang di ruangan itu ikut sedih karena mendengar keluhan klien. Beruntungnya petugas-petugas di sana juga friendly Dan helpful banget.
Untuk periode 1 ini, semua keadaan sangat challenging Dan stressful. Masa-masa ini memasuki wilayah bagian baper nan sensitif. Pada awalnya sempat terpikir, kok sial banget dapet keadaan yang begini. Padahal gua bukan tipe orang yang percaya kesialan, jarang mengeluh, dengan kontrol emosi yang tinggi. Malah sekarang bener-bener powerless kemudian berakhir dengan impulsif dalam mengekspresikan perasaan- which is itu dulu salah satu hal yang sulit dilakukan. Ha-ha.
Ini toh ya yang namanya out from comfort zone. Begini toh yang namanya S2. Begini toh yang namanya dianggap dewasa. Bener-bener hampir gak ada comfortnya. Herannya dalam keadaan begini malah banyak banget yang jadi gua sadari dan pelajari. Sangat berharap Tuhan terus kasih gua kekuatan, kebijaksanaan dalam belajar untuk menolong orang lain dalam rangka merespon kasih Tuhan yang terlebih dahulu sudah Dia berikan untuk gua.
Rasanya kalau dijalani sendiri memang berat but thank God, You never leave me behind.

Anak Selatan di Skyscraperland!

Jadi sebagai Anak (Jakarta) Selatan, sudah beberapa tempat di Selatan sini yang gue kunjungi bermodalkan gojeg, grabbike, ataupun dengan abang-abang ojek lainnya yang setia menemani. Pastinya tempat yang paling sering dikunjungi adalah tempat-tempat makan! Masih banyak tempat makan lainnya yang pengen gue icipin tapi belum terlaksana.

Sebagai anak selatan, gua suka juga jalan-jalan ke Timur, Barat, Pusat, Utara. Kalau ke Timur ya biasanya ke tempat kaka gua dan keluarganya. Di sana ada tempat makan sate dan tongseng yang enak banget, tapi lupa namanya (my bad!). Kalau di Barat, biasanya gua ke Mall Central Park. Sebenarnya gua bukan tipe yang suka jalan di Mall sih, biasanya gua ke sana Gereja aja di APL-nya sama temen-temen gua yang di Jakarta. Kalau di Pusat belum ada cerita yang seru. Kampus gua kan perbatasan Selatan-Pusat. Kalau di pojokan Pantry gua ada di Pusat, geser dikit, gua udah di Selatan lagi.

Nah, dalam beberapa minggu belakangan ini si Anak Selatan lagi sering banget ke Utara. Jauh. Oh ya, masih edisi naik motor-motoran itu juga. Seneng sih karena akhirnya ada manusia-manusia kreatif yang ciptain aplikasi pesan ojek secara online, jadi kemana-mana gak pake mahal, gak pake lama, gak pake cape. Pernah sekali waktu, gua ke utara malem-malem karena mau ke nikahannya temen. Berencana mau naik taxi aja karena pake dress dan sudah dandan cantik tapi ternyata itu aplikasi untuk pesen taxi harus di update dulu. Lama deh. Akhirnya pesen grabbike aja. Untungnya gua memang sudah pada dasarnya cantik, tetap cantik sampai tiba di lokasi dan gak berubah wujud meskipun malem itu harus diterpa angin. Gua akalin pake cardigan biar gak terlalu ribet dan kedinginan, karena gak mungkin banget kan ke kondangan bawa-bawa jaket motor.  

Sering ke Utara kali ini disponsori oleh penempatan kerja praktek. Jadi gua ditempatkan di salah satu institusi pemerintah yang berbasis militer. Seharusnya kerja praktek ini sudah di mulai dari hari Senin kemarin (12/10) sesuai jadwal yang ada, tapi karena ada suatu masalah jadi sampai detik ini gua masih luntang lantung ke sana ke mari enggak karuan sementara temen-temen gua lainnya sudah duduk manis di tempat praktek masing-masing. Sebenarnya gak begitu-begitu banget sih gua, beruntung gua dapet intern-mate yang cerdas. Dia selalu kasih ide untuk melakukan hal-hal yang bermanfaat saat-saat menunggu kepastian seperti ini. Misalnya: karaoke. 

Oya, sebenarnya ada gak enaknya juga sih naik-naik ojek gitu. Belakangan ini hampir tiap hari jadinya gua masuk angin. Kadang gua juga sok kuat sih enggak pake jaket kalau lagi naik motor.Well, ada satu hal sih yang gua sadari. Gua udah enggak takut lagi naik motor semenjak peristiwa kecelakaan yang gua alami sekitar dua tahun yang lalu. 

Sekarang ini, gua masih menanti keputusan komandan, bagaimana gua dan intern-mate gua akan jadi seperti apa nasibnya. Gua bukan takut dimana gua akan ditempatin sih, gua cuma ngeri karena batas pengumpulan kasus tinggal sekitar semingguan lagi, sementara gua masih belum jelas dimananya. Deg-deg-an. Ada pertanyaan: "bisa sempurna gak ya gua ngerjain kasusnya dalam waktu sesingkat ini" dalam hati gua. Yang gua senang dalam situasi seperti ini, gua punya kepercayaan "God is in control" jadi meskipun gua tau ada masalah, gua bisa tetap tenang dan berpikir jernih.

Season internship ini gua sebut dengan Cynthia in skyscraperland. 

Lupa

Mungkin kita terlalu sibuk untuk duduk bersama
Mungkin kita terlalu sibuk untuk bercerita
Mungkin kita terlalu sibuk untuk mendengarkan
Mungkin kita terlalu sibuk untuk hadir dalam kehidupan masing masing.

Mungkin kita lupa alasan kita sibuk adalah untuk duduk bersama, bercerita, mendengarkan, dan hadir dalam kehidupan masing-masing.

Bogor, 6 Okt 2015
- Dalam kesibukan

My hope is found

One fine evening, I was running with a friend. We decided to separate our way because we cannot make the same pace.
And when I ran, suddenly a random thought came up in my mind.

"How long, dear, how long you would like to go alone by yourself?"

***

As a psychology student, I tend to think self-centered, especially clinical psychology. I tend to analyze such: "What does make a person can have a specific personality...?", "What is the underlying motives of someone when he/ she doing something..?". That kind of questions I internalizing to myself. It makes me going crazy because I always end up with the way to see myself: I am not good enough to be loved, to have friends, to have family, to be success.

At the same time, my relationship with others ruin by the negative emotions I hold on so much and finally "boom!". Yes, exploded! But I really realize I am blessed surrounded with best friends who are loveable and have patients for they can understand me even when I don't.

***

Back to the question that cross my mind in that evening... I know I missed something on this journey. Someone reminds me that "It is good to see yourself, bad and good side, but it cannot stop there. Look beyond your self. It is God at the cross for you. So whatever you may feel about yourself, as long as you go back to God, you are loved. God already has give everything for you!"

He created me with purpose so I no longer walk alone. Not necessarily overwhelmed with my weakness. For in my weakness He will be glorified! And I realize, growth in God's grace is a process and not an event. I don't have to avoid the difficulties of life, but I can rest assured that He will use each moment to prepare me for the place He is taking me!

Testing the limit

Huhf! Finally, an exhausted season is going slow down. In many ways, I've been tempted with anger and everything about emotion by some uncomfortable events. Feels like God testing the limit of my self: patient, endurance, faithfulness, and everything. I have questioned Him once, why? And I've got the answer. It because He loves and wants me to improve my weakness and at the same time to blessing others. Everything He has allowed to happen is blessing in disguise.
Each moment that happening increases my assertiveness, and I'm starting to try let go what is on my mind. And when I am about to give up, there is always at least a person who remind me that I might be not like to stop now because it is too late to return to where I start.
Now, I know my limit more clear. I know my self more clear. And the most important thing is I know who is create me more clear.
And I am so excited yet a bit afraid what I am going to face next.. I am still working on my faith and praying that God will always remind me that He guides me along the way yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

Breath taking.

I am so overwhelmed - emotionally and physically. The horrible things is I cannot find right words to describe it. I am so sick, upset, irritated, and tired of many things. What makes it worse is some people want to know about it without caring but asking me with so many questions. Can't they just be silent?
I am not capable also to show my anger, my disappointment, nor my protest in a proper way so I keep it for my self alone.

Once, I ask God deeply..... Why should I in this situation? You know that I don't like to be the center of attention, do I? Why people treat me inappropriate? Why do some people are try to mess up my mind? Why do you allow my emotions, my feelings just like a roller coaster.. - In this up and down emotion, I try very hard not to ruin my relationship with others.

This time, it's hard, yes, it's hard...

Holiday is (almost) over

Woohoo.. I am so happy about this holiday and life nowadays. I feel full of energy surrounded by friends. And I feel great when I add some new knowledge to my brain. I've got so many insights that make me excited for life ahead.
I don't have what-to-do list in this holiday. Actually, I'd like to travel but as a student (again) I do not have my own money to fulfill this wish. Poor me. But I think that is good enough because so there is only one thing in my list: get some rest! (I almost sleep late lately). In fact, taking rest is not the only one I did, I become upik abu because my Assistent Rumah Tangga is mudik. Beside become upik abu,  I hang out with my brothers and sister from my local church. One of brothers is just back from Bengkulu. He works there and I am happy to see him here.

A lot of things happen in the past days, study and exams are still dominating my days. Fyi, there is always be an exam in the end of the week. Believe it or not, I love it. I really love analyzing what is really happen inside someone although sweat comes out from my head, my hand shakes (tired after writing 8 pages folios exam) and it can make me headache but it is okay. I want to help people. I love see people improving their ability to live, to love, and to dream.

Beside study, this month is the end of LG and LCG season. What is that? Hmm.. You can read my last couple post, I have explained about that. I have a sister in LCG and we usually meet for 1-2 hours per week to update one another's life. She is a very great listener and friend. A bit anxious about the new beginning of the next LCG. Can I adapt again, sharing about my personal life, with new sister in the next season of LCG? I have difficulties in interpersonal relationship with new people and I am still trying to fix it.

Last thing I want to update here is I am very blessed because I met again with my old friend after months, the one who I think is never give up on me. Actually so many questions about this friendship. Well, let God use this friendship to bless one another and see where He want 'us' go.
Tomorrow is my last holiday and I am ready to study again. I hope everyone have a great holiday as happy as me even more!

Fearless.

Half way to the end of this year. What will happen in the rest of this year? What will happen next month? What will happen tomorrow? What will happen tonight? Will I get a difficult client in my internship? Will I have to deal with complicated case? Am I capable enough to be a psychologist?

I am afraid. 

I am ashamed of being scared and afraid of my future for I know I have a big God. Blessed me, I always have people who always remind me there is nothing to worry about. Last weekend, I met two of my ex co-workers. We talked about how our life is going. I can see the hand of God who has done a great work on them and I believe He won't stop there. As I saw how God works on their life, my ex co-worker said to me, she also see how I have been growing in maturity. For me, personally, yes, I have changed but there is still a lot of room improvement that I need to keep on going. One of them is my doubt about the future, about my self, and my life.

In that meeting we talk about how Jesus Christ describe His self as the Vine, and we, people, are the branches. And he wants us to be always remain on Him so we can be fruitful. And that is the sign of true disciples. And it will bring glory to Father.

It teaches me about God's character. God is the responsible one for the growing of the branches. So if I can reflecting that passage to my condition now, I feel like I don't need to worry as long as I remain on Him - not count on my own strength. For He will taking care my life. And what I need to do is to be fruitful - using everything that He has given to me. So if in the future I have to face failure (again), I may feel discourage, I may feel upset, but what I will not go apart from Jesus. I want to keep believe and remain on Him for the failure is one of ways He prunes and purifies me.

My daily applications to responds the words are:
- Keep reading holy bible
- Keep praying about everything
- Take any chances when other need my help (when I possible to help)
- Think and do other ways to help people if they ask my favor when I can't do it
- Text or call my friends to show them that I am care for them

Well, my insecurity is: 'what if I failed? what if they are not reply my message, say no to me, or reject me?", I will not give up and stop. I will always remain on Him and will be fruitful.

I am not going to quit.

June, you remind me about my childhood.

It's June already.
Yes, don't be surprise. We are in the middle of the year now.
I am pretty excited about what will happen for I am sure there will be many struggles ahead and I believe in every struggle I will see God's grace and His kindness that brings goodness.

So I want to share about one of struggles-miracles phase in my life.
Hopefully you remember about the last post when I wrote about the self-development program from Campus. I take a chance for an extension session in weekday- counseling. Today.
Personally I did not make any preparation, what to tell, what to complain about, or else.
I just try to figure out what trait of me that possible to be the obstacle in my internship.
At first, this is it: moody. Predictable, isn't it?
She helps me find ways no to be moody anymore.. I think I can try it anyway.
And I do not know why, I could not hold my tongue to share about a part of my childhood and remember what I had been through. If you want to know, my childhood was terrible.

Kinda what I feel when I was a kid. 

                             
I talk to my counselor: "Ma'am, I..was... a terrible person, a difficult person... Maybe I had all the disorders in the DSM.. I had commit suicide three times without no one knew. I could hide all my feeling and pretending everything was going fine. Without no one knew. Yes, without no one knew. I didn't have a childhood life that every child dreaming of. But if I see my life now... I am amazed.. that I have grown up to be a strong young lady."

"The only person you need to compare yourself to is who you have been.
The only person you need to be better than is who you are now." 

Throwing back my childhood always feels like God has been exposing my uncountable sin and also my weakness, yet show me how His faithfulness that always change me to be better continuously and how His unending love never fails work on me.. I believe that struggle-miracles phase is one of some ways how God wants us to be surrender at Him, depend on no one but Him.

God doesn't waste anything.
You are not defined by your past. You are prepared by your past. 

It makes me do not want to stop chasing the calling that He has put on me as a (soon to be) psychologist. Knowing that I have a privilege to do a part of His great plan for anyone whom He will send to me, even when it seems impossible and beyond my ability..

"God doesn't call the qualified. He qualifies the called."

New Chapter in my life

Be ready for reading a loonggg post. I owe so many adventures to be written but sadly I just can share some of my adventures in this post.
Last month, all of my lectures said "this semester holiday is gonna your 'last holiday'".
Knowing that it will be my 'last holiday' I asked my parents to take me with them to Jambi. Why Jambi? My parents have forestry there for about 10 years and still counting, but I haven't see it yet. Finally, here we are!

The Car we usually use in the forest.

Me and the stuff.

A house in the middle of forest.

I walked for hectares trying to see the whole forest but I can't, too tired. It is literally tropical forest. I mean, a lot of big trees, very hot, strange insects, and so on that I can't see in the city. My parents told me how they spent days there to control the situation and I am amazed how God gives them strength, wisdom, and spirit to operate all the things. I never regrets spent my about four days holiday there.

After Jambi, I went to Depok and had spent 3 days 2 nights with my college friends. My seniors said it will be full of tears and drama. The truth is, I had have fun! Oh yeah, there was a little tears but no drama. 

Rombongan Tangerang

Rombongan kampus

Rombongan Jakarta Barat

Rombongan kampus

Rombongan Jakarta Utara

>_< Bunnted >_<

FULL TEAM!

Obviously I am gonna miss this time because there is a lil' chance to us to gathering full team in years ahead. Have a full team gathering means the end of the semester, means it will be full of internship for the next a year, means the grade point will be known. And yes, two days ago I just have known my grade point... You know whattt... It was really, really unpredictable. My grade point is increased drastically. I don't expect my grade point will be increase because I know, my last semester (and my life) was tough. Even the grade point is higher more than what my academic adviser and I set in the beginning of semester. I really thanking God for this.

And the very great news is, one of my task, is will be published in the Academic Journal. Seriously...... I still can't believe it. I made the paper with my other three friends, and we are all so happy! And also, I really thanking God for this.

This is only by His Grace! He shows me the work of His hand in my life and others. 

I really ready face my new adventure with God!  

Birthday wish :)

It is 25 years. We have been through it, God. I thank you for every second in my life, you never leave me alone. I think I don't deserve to make a wish for your love that you have given in my life is more than enough. But if I could, this is my birthday wish:

              

 

I've had just enough of the spotlight when it burns bright

To see how it gets in the blood

And I've tasted my share of the sweet life and the wild ride

And found a little is not quite enough

I know how I can stray

And how fast my heart could change

Empty me of the selfishness inside

Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride

And any foolish thing my heart holds to

Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with You

I've seen just enough of the quick buys of the best lies

To know how prodigals can be drawn away

I know how I can stray

And how fast my heart could change

Empty me of the selfishness inside

Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride

And any foolish thing my heart holds to

Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with You

'Cause everything is a lesser thing

Compared to You, compared to You

'Cause everything is a lesser thing

Compared to You so I surrender all...

Empty me of the selfishness inside

Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride

Empty me of the selfishness inside

Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride

And any foolish thing my heart holds to

Lord empty me of me so I can be

Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with You

Oh, filled with You, empty me

Beneath your beautiful

Randy Pausch

Dear Randy Pausch,
I know it is too late to write a letter for you. And I know, you will never read this letter that I wrote. You might be now somewhere only God and you - yourself knew. But I could not hold my hand to type these word by word to express my feeling and my gratitude how blessed I am by your book. Your books has been being my friend in this week. I understand your purpose to bless others as much as possible with your life - I am sure you accomplish it, you just add one person, and it is me.
I thank God for letting me read your book, thank God for letting you finish this book. You teach me about the bricks in front of me now. You tell me that the bricks are not to make us do not see things what we want to get, the bricks are to show us how bad we want the things. You tell me to not give up on our childhood dreams and how you work with it.
What I really love about your book is you. Instead of writing wisdom words, I love your way when you show that you do not let your pancreatic cancer -your 3-6 month left living- is not steal your spirit to leave. You teach me to treat the disease not the symptom. You show me that we never accomplish our success by our own self. It is need others. And recognize their kindness is a part of our successful journey.
Thank you, Randy Pausch, for help me to see my self through your perspective of living. And you close your book with the statement that I need the most this time.
"It's not achieve your dreams. It's about to lead your life. If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself. The dreams will come to you."
For right now I failed to achieve some of dreams, and dying with them, I almost have no courage to live my life again. But I need to die with the memories, not me, not the dreams. I have to stand up again. Lead my life right way, and God will take care the whole things. The dreams will come to me.


Dear Jai and the children,
Jai, you surely have a very incredible husband. Dylan, Logan, Chloe, you all are winning the parent lottery, just like your dad had. I pray for each of you, you can be what you want to be, just like Randy wish for you all. I really would like to meet you all and talk about something meaningful life to encourage people to live their life - to be what they are want to be.

Dear Jeffrey Zaslow,
You are the best!


With all my respect to your family,
Cynthia Eveline

How Can I Keep From Singing? by Chris Tomlin

There is an endless song, Echoes in my soul, I hear the music ring,
And though the storms may come, I am holding on to the rock I cling.

How can I keep from singing your praise?
How can I ever say enough how amazing is Your love...
How can I keep from shouting Your Name?
I know I am loved by the King and it makes my heart want to sing.

I will lift my eyes in the darkest night for I know my Savior lives.

And I will walk with You.
Knowing You'll see me through and sing the songs You give.

I can sing in the troubled times
Sing when I win
I can sing when I lose my step and fall down again
I can sing 'cause You pick me up

Sing 'cause You're there

I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord, when I call to You in prayer.

I can sing with my last breath,

Sing for I know that I'll sing with the angels and the saints around the throne..

April

What...? It's April already?
Can't believe three months has passed in this year.
I feel like running so fast with days.

Kunjungan ke Dinas Sosial Panti Werdha

Aku teringat akan minatku pada pelajaran psikologi. Pada mulanya aku berminat untuk mendalami dunia anak. Menurutku, anak merupakan makhluk yang perlu bimbingan dan masih harus didampingi. Hal tersebut memang benar dan cukup melupakan sosok lain. Sosok tersebut adalah lansia. Orang-orang yang cukup terlupakan oleh orang-orang muda yang (katanya) sibuk bekerja. Padahal para lansia memiliki cukup pengalaman, pelajaran, dan nilai-nilai hidup yang dapat diberitahukan kepada orang-orang muda. Tidak jarang mereka diabaikan, diremehkan, bahkan dihindari karena dianggap merepotkan.

Aku senang mendapatkan kesempatan untuk berkunjung ke salah satu Panti Werdha di Jakarta. Masing ingat tidak pelajaran PPKn SD dulu? Aku ingat tentang salah satu pasal UUD 1945 yang isinya kurang lebih: pengemis dan anak terlantar dipelihara oleh negara. Nah, Panti Werdha yang aku kunjungi itu salah satu tempat yang disediakan pemerintah. Kakek-kakek dan nenek-nenek di sana sebagian besar hasil razia satpol PP. 

Di sana aku sempat mengobrol dengan beberapa nenek. Kasihan juga, ada yang masuk sana pada saat sedang berjualan di jalan kemudian di bawa ke Panti. Ada juga yang dibawa sama keluarganya. Berbagai macam alasan sampai akhirnya mereka ada di tempat itu.

Secara fisik, Panti Werdha itu sangat terurus dengan baik. Bersih, nyaman, besar. Semua fasilitas ada. Ada juga kegiatan-kegiatan yang di sediakan oleh pihak panti. Tapi tetap saja mereka........ kesepian.

Jadi aku bersama teman-temanku merancang suatu acara di sana yang bertujuan untuk mengurangi rasa kesepian mereka. Setelah kami rancang dan berdiskusi dengan dosen pembimbing, akhirnya pada hari Selasa, 23 Maret 2015, terlaksanalah acara tersebut. Peserta yang hadir 15 orang. Memang program kami hanya dirancang untuk beberapa orang saja. Hanya lansia yang memenuhi syarat yang dapat mengikuti kegiatan ini. Syaratnya antara lain sehat secara fisik dan mental.

Puji Tuhan acaranya berjalan dengan lancar. Kakek-kakek dan nenek-nenek di sana terlihat sangat gembira dan berterima kasih kepada kami. Aku juga sangat senaaaaaaangg sekali karena dapat membuat mereka bahagia. Setidak-tidaknya pada kami pernah hadir dalam hidup mereka dan memberikan sesuatu yang membahagiakan mereka. 

Aku juga baru menyadari hal-hal lainnya mengenai lansia ketika kelas psikogerontologi. Berhubung ayahku sudah ada pada tahap lansia, dan ibuku memasuki masa pra-lansia, aku jadi memahami apa yang mungkin akan terjadi secara fisik, mental, dan sosial. 

Ada pepatah yang megatakan, "Kita terlalu sibuk bertumbuh sehingga melupakan orang tua kita yang bertambah tua."

  

Surprising Month

I am not surprise when God surprises me. I mean, he is really really a surprising God. Really.

A couple weeks ago, he brings back my old friend. Since we rarely have a conversation, I don't want to bother or annoy him. Suprisingly, he reached me on Line on a Sunday evening. We had some kind a pleasant converasation and decided to meet on Feb 14, 2015. Means..... Means.. Finally I would have a 'normal' what they called valentine day. For me, valentine day is not really a big thing. But what makes it big for about last four years is - I don't know why- my (any) relationship always ended up on Feb 14. Terrible.
So, I was so excited when I know at least I would go have fun with my old friend.

And this week, I was suprised with what God brings into my days. Almost each day on last week, I met my friends. On Monday I met my Life Change Group's friend. Tuesday, I met Life Group's friends. Wednesday, I met my speech club's friends. Thursday, I met one of LG's friend. Friday, I met my first friend when I was in College, which is my best friend. And tonight I met my best friend also. I actually have no idea what He wants me to do by meeting so many friends than usual. I prefer to think that, the meeting is a present from God, to show me that He blessed me. As simple as that.

February was a surprise month for me. Maybe I haven't accomplish my latest goal for 2014 but I don't need always to think about goal. I only need to enjoy my journey. And yes, I do.

Powerless

One afternoon, a lecturer ask a magical question to me,

"If you have a power to change one thing in your life, what would you change?"

Since that moment I know I never be fine.

Never.

A blessing

Luar biasa sekali rasanya ketika kita bertemu dengan orang-orang besar, berbagi mimpi bersama, dan mewujudkannya :)

Last year's lesson learned.

Eight days has passed of the first month in this 2015 and now I don't mean to talk about the past year but I feel that I need to share about what I learn in 2014. I just don't want to let the lesson learned will vanish by my memory so I need to write about it.

#1 Bad beginning doesn't mean you will have a bad ending
If I remember what I was going through in January - March 2014, it was not really a good condition to start a happy new year because of something. And I still remember how hard I need to encourage my self to do my daily activities. By the time, thank God, things were going fine. And what I learn from those months is, no matter how hard life is, there is always a way to face the burden as a long as I have 'hope' to get a better condition.

#2 People trust you too much, even when you don't
This is related with office matters. Sometimes people around me, they were count on me too much even when I feel I couldn't do it. But their faith in me made me did my best. Sometimes when I did my best, I failed. Still, there was a way out, God's provide. On May 2014, I finally resigned from office to continue my education. Sad and happy at the same time ;)

#4 Miracle does not happen as what human's think. It works with God's thought. 
My family never plan to get some vacation to Australia. But everything was clearly to see God's grace. Low price flight, perfect time with some relatives there, weather, EVERYTHING!
I thought, I would have flight with my friend, but then God had another plan. Yes, miracle is not happen by what I thought, it is God's.

#5 Sometimes you don't really need what you really want
June - July 2104. World offers me a different kind happiness, a new kind of happiness, which I thought I need it. And I try so hard to get it as well. And I was wrong. Everything can be a source of happiness. Things are temporary but sincerity is eternal.

#6 The distance between people should be measure by the distance of their heart not the measure of inches, kilos, or miles
August - September 2014. I met some old friends from far-far away. It is sad when we have to say good -bye to people we love. But as long as we have the willingness to share about what is happen in our life each other constantly, the distance become closer no matter how far the distance between, and vice versa.

#7 People will forget what you have told them, but they will not forget how you make them feel
Master degree is beyond my imagination. A lot of new chances and many things come into my life. I know I have been blessed because people around me always support me. Some people may talk to me how they are want to see me shine. Some people do actions and encourage me. October - December 2014 show me that I may forget words were given to me, but I will never forget the feeling how people treat me (both right and wrong).

#8 No matter how hard you try to be kind, you are not resist from pain
Overall, I realize everything happens to make ourselves more beautiful. It means no matter how life brings you up and down, you always have choice to be better, not bitter. Because no matter you do your best, there is always at least someone who doesn't like your work. No matter you do try to be kind, at least, there is always someone who will betray you. You don't have to hate that people for misunderstood you because sometime you do, misunderstood others.

To all of my friends, thank you for by my side on 2014. Looking back the lesson learned on 2014, I am so excited for the adventures God has in store for me in 2015.

First Achievement in This Year!

A bit hard to believe that this is 2015 already.

Holiday has passed, a lot of new exciting things are to come this year!

In my last post, I said I accomplished 3 of 5 goals in 2014. And yesterday, I just accomplished one of my 2014's goals. It need a little extra time to passed all the goals! :D
So now I achieved 4/5! Yeeeeyy!! Hopefully, one more 2014's goal will happen in this January 2015 as well *pray*

What I just achieved is finally I become a 'Competent Communicator' (CC) in my speech club.
It really takes courage to deliver my basic manual 10. The purpose of the speech is to inspiring the audience. In my opinion, one thing that could inspire others is the experience about our own self so we can let the audience know about what we exactly going through this life and how we overcome the burden we have. Because everyone has their own burden. And I believe, to share about our past or our experience including the emotion (pain, happiness, etc) is not a kid's stuff. But that is the only way how our life should be a testimony for others, to encourage others by our experience.

So I decided to share about my past - something that I don't really like to share to others. Not everyone has privilege to know the pain of my past. But my speech club has given me so many things. The members give their best. It is so unfair if I don't give my best. And only by let them know who I really am I can show them, I love them back.

I started to write the draft and share it to Erwin, Praw, and Lia. They give me feedback, both the content and the technical of delivering speech. Can't lie that my eyes easily get glassy when I read their comments. And I don't mind to share some comments here:

Finally, I delivered my speech and was evaluated by Tantia, my mentor. She is a very amazing person. She told me what she likes about my speech and how to improve it. 

With Tantia, my mentor.

After I finish my last project of Basic Manual, I a got standing applause from the audiences and got a pin as a CC.  

Cynthia Eveline, CC got a hug from Lia, Ms. President. 

And yesterday is really my day for I become the best prepared speaker and get the trophy.

I really proud of my self

:) 

 

Me as the best prepared speech.

I am very blessed to have this community. They take me as I am and allow me to grow and improve my self.

The best thing in that night is God give a full moon outside (my favorite moon). It is very beautiful :)