I am so overwhelmed - emotionally and physically. The horrible things is I cannot find right words to describe it. I am so sick, upset, irritated, and tired of many things. What makes it worse is some people want to know about it without caring but asking me with so many questions. Can't they just be silent?
I am not capable also to show my anger, my disappointment, nor my protest in a proper way so I keep it for my self alone.
Once, I ask God deeply..... Why should I in this situation? You know that I don't like to be the center of attention, do I? Why people treat me inappropriate? Why do some people are try to mess up my mind? Why do you allow my emotions, my feelings just like a roller coaster.. - In this up and down emotion, I try very hard not to ruin my relationship with others.
This time, it's hard, yes, it's hard...
Saturday, August 29, 2015
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Holiday is (almost) over
Woohoo.. I am so happy about this holiday and life nowadays. I feel full of energy surrounded by friends. And I feel great when I add some new knowledge to my brain. I've got so many insights that make me excited for life ahead.
I don't have what-to-do list in this holiday. Actually, I'd like to travel but as a student (again) I do not have my own money to fulfill this wish. Poor me. But I think that is good enough because so there is only one thing in my list: get some rest! (I almost sleep late lately). In fact, taking rest is not the only one I did, I become upik abu because my Assistent Rumah Tangga is mudik. Beside become upik abu, I hang out with my brothers and sister from my local church. One of brothers is just back from Bengkulu. He works there and I am happy to see him here.
A lot of things happen in the past days, study and exams are still dominating my days. Fyi, there is always be an exam in the end of the week. Believe it or not, I love it. I really love analyzing what is really happen inside someone although sweat comes out from my head, my hand shakes (tired after writing 8 pages folios exam) and it can make me headache but it is okay. I want to help people. I love see people improving their ability to live, to love, and to dream.
Beside study, this month is the end of LG and LCG season. What is that? Hmm.. You can read my last couple post, I have explained about that. I have a sister in LCG and we usually meet for 1-2 hours per week to update one another's life. She is a very great listener and friend. A bit anxious about the new beginning of the next LCG. Can I adapt again, sharing about my personal life, with new sister in the next season of LCG? I have difficulties in interpersonal relationship with new people and I am still trying to fix it.
Last thing I want to update here is I am very blessed because I met again with my old friend after months, the one who I think is never give up on me. Actually so many questions about this friendship. Well, let God use this friendship to bless one another and see where He want 'us' go.
Tomorrow is my last holiday and I am ready to study again. I hope everyone have a great holiday as happy as me even more!
I don't have what-to-do list in this holiday. Actually, I'd like to travel but as a student (again) I do not have my own money to fulfill this wish. Poor me. But I think that is good enough because so there is only one thing in my list: get some rest! (I almost sleep late lately). In fact, taking rest is not the only one I did, I become upik abu because my Assistent Rumah Tangga is mudik. Beside become upik abu, I hang out with my brothers and sister from my local church. One of brothers is just back from Bengkulu. He works there and I am happy to see him here.
A lot of things happen in the past days, study and exams are still dominating my days. Fyi, there is always be an exam in the end of the week. Believe it or not, I love it. I really love analyzing what is really happen inside someone although sweat comes out from my head, my hand shakes (tired after writing 8 pages folios exam) and it can make me headache but it is okay. I want to help people. I love see people improving their ability to live, to love, and to dream.
Beside study, this month is the end of LG and LCG season. What is that? Hmm.. You can read my last couple post, I have explained about that. I have a sister in LCG and we usually meet for 1-2 hours per week to update one another's life. She is a very great listener and friend. A bit anxious about the new beginning of the next LCG. Can I adapt again, sharing about my personal life, with new sister in the next season of LCG? I have difficulties in interpersonal relationship with new people and I am still trying to fix it.
Last thing I want to update here is I am very blessed because I met again with my old friend after months, the one who I think is never give up on me. Actually so many questions about this friendship. Well, let God use this friendship to bless one another and see where He want 'us' go.
Tomorrow is my last holiday and I am ready to study again. I hope everyone have a great holiday as happy as me even more!
Monday, July 6, 2015
Fearless.
Half way to the end of this year. What will happen in the rest of this year? What will happen next month? What will happen tomorrow? What will happen tonight? Will I get a difficult client in my internship? Will I have to deal with complicated case? Am I capable enough to be a psychologist?
I am ashamed of being scared and afraid of my future for I know I have a big God. Blessed me, I always have people who always remind me there is nothing to worry about. Last weekend, I met two of my ex co-workers. We talked about how our life is going. I can see the hand of God who has done a great work on them and I believe He won't stop there. As I saw how God works on their life, my ex co-worker said to me, she also see how I have been growing in maturity. For me, personally, yes, I have changed but there is still a lot of room improvement that I need to keep on going. One of them is my doubt about the future, about my self, and my life.
In that meeting we talk about how Jesus Christ describe His self as the Vine, and we, people, are the branches. And he wants us to be always remain on Him so we can be fruitful. And that is the sign of true disciples. And it will bring glory to Father.
It teaches me about God's character. God is the responsible one for the growing of the branches. So if I can reflecting that passage to my condition now, I feel like I don't need to worry as long as I remain on Him - not count on my own strength. For He will taking care my life. And what I need to do is to be fruitful - using everything that He has given to me. So if in the future I have to face failure (again), I may feel discourage, I may feel upset, but what I will not go apart from Jesus. I want to keep believe and remain on Him for the failure is one of ways He prunes and purifies me.
My daily applications to responds the words are:
- Keep reading holy bible
- Keep praying about everything
- Take any chances when other need my help (when I possible to help)
- Think and do other ways to help people if they ask my favor when I can't do it
- Text or call my friends to show them that I am care for them
Well, my insecurity is: 'what if I failed? what if they are not reply my message, say no to me, or reject me?", I will not give up and stop. I will always remain on Him and will be fruitful.
 |
| I am afraid. |
I am ashamed of being scared and afraid of my future for I know I have a big God. Blessed me, I always have people who always remind me there is nothing to worry about. Last weekend, I met two of my ex co-workers. We talked about how our life is going. I can see the hand of God who has done a great work on them and I believe He won't stop there. As I saw how God works on their life, my ex co-worker said to me, she also see how I have been growing in maturity. For me, personally, yes, I have changed but there is still a lot of room improvement that I need to keep on going. One of them is my doubt about the future, about my self, and my life.
In that meeting we talk about how Jesus Christ describe His self as the Vine, and we, people, are the branches. And he wants us to be always remain on Him so we can be fruitful. And that is the sign of true disciples. And it will bring glory to Father.
It teaches me about God's character. God is the responsible one for the growing of the branches. So if I can reflecting that passage to my condition now, I feel like I don't need to worry as long as I remain on Him - not count on my own strength. For He will taking care my life. And what I need to do is to be fruitful - using everything that He has given to me. So if in the future I have to face failure (again), I may feel discourage, I may feel upset, but what I will not go apart from Jesus. I want to keep believe and remain on Him for the failure is one of ways He prunes and purifies me.
My daily applications to responds the words are:
- Keep reading holy bible
- Keep praying about everything
- Take any chances when other need my help (when I possible to help)
- Think and do other ways to help people if they ask my favor when I can't do it
- Text or call my friends to show them that I am care for them
Well, my insecurity is: 'what if I failed? what if they are not reply my message, say no to me, or reject me?", I will not give up and stop. I will always remain on Him and will be fruitful.
 |
| I am not going to quit. |
Monday, June 15, 2015
June, you remind me about my childhood.
It's June already.
Yes, don't be surprise. We are in the middle of the year now.
I am pretty excited about what will happen for I am sure there will be many struggles ahead and I believe in every struggle I will see God's grace and His kindness that brings goodness.
So I want to share about one of struggles-miracles phase in my life.
Hopefully you remember about the last post when I wrote about the self-development program from Campus. I take a chance for an extension session in weekday- counseling. Today.
Personally I did not make any preparation, what to tell, what to complain about, or else.
I just try to figure out what trait of me that possible to be the obstacle in my internship.
At first, this is it: moody. Predictable, isn't it?
She helps me find ways no to be moody anymore.. I think I can try it anyway.
And I do not know why, I could not hold my tongue to share about a part of my childhood and remember what I had been through. If you want to know, my childhood was terrible.
I talk to my counselor: "Ma'am, I..was... a terrible person, a difficult person... Maybe I had all the disorders in the DSM.. I had commit suicide three times without no one knew. I could hide all my feeling and pretending everything was going fine. Without no one knew. Yes, without no one knew. I didn't have a childhood life that every child dreaming of. But if I see my life now... I am amazed.. that I have grown up to be a strong young lady."
Throwing back my childhood always feels like God has been exposing my uncountable sin and also my weakness, yet show me how His faithfulness that always change me to be better continuously and how His unending love never fails work on me.. I believe that struggle-miracles phase is one of some ways how God wants us to be surrender at Him, depend on no one but Him.
It makes me do not want to stop chasing the calling that He has put on me as a (soon to be) psychologist. Knowing that I have a privilege to do a part of His great plan for anyone whom He will send to me, even when it seems impossible and beyond my ability..
Yes, don't be surprise. We are in the middle of the year now.
I am pretty excited about what will happen for I am sure there will be many struggles ahead and I believe in every struggle I will see God's grace and His kindness that brings goodness.
So I want to share about one of struggles-miracles phase in my life.
Hopefully you remember about the last post when I wrote about the self-development program from Campus. I take a chance for an extension session in weekday- counseling. Today.
Personally I did not make any preparation, what to tell, what to complain about, or else.
I just try to figure out what trait of me that possible to be the obstacle in my internship.
At first, this is it: moody. Predictable, isn't it?
She helps me find ways no to be moody anymore.. I think I can try it anyway.
And I do not know why, I could not hold my tongue to share about a part of my childhood and remember what I had been through. If you want to know, my childhood was terrible.
 |
| Kinda what I feel when I was a kid. |
I talk to my counselor: "Ma'am, I..was... a terrible person, a difficult person... Maybe I had all the disorders in the DSM.. I had commit suicide three times without no one knew. I could hide all my feeling and pretending everything was going fine. Without no one knew. Yes, without no one knew. I didn't have a childhood life that every child dreaming of. But if I see my life now... I am amazed.. that I have grown up to be a strong young lady."
 |
| "The only person you need to compare yourself to is who you have been. The only person you need to be better than is who you are now." |
Throwing back my childhood always feels like God has been exposing my uncountable sin and also my weakness, yet show me how His faithfulness that always change me to be better continuously and how His unending love never fails work on me.. I believe that struggle-miracles phase is one of some ways how God wants us to be surrender at Him, depend on no one but Him.
 |
| God doesn't waste anything. You are not defined by your past. You are prepared by your past. |
It makes me do not want to stop chasing the calling that He has put on me as a (soon to be) psychologist. Knowing that I have a privilege to do a part of His great plan for anyone whom He will send to me, even when it seems impossible and beyond my ability..
 |
| "God doesn't call the qualified. He qualifies the called." |
Saturday, June 6, 2015
New Chapter in my life
Be ready for reading a loonggg post. I owe so many adventures to be written but sadly I just can share some of my adventures in this post.
Last month, all of my lectures said "this semester holiday is gonna your 'last holiday'".
Knowing that it will be my 'last holiday' I asked my parents to take me with them to Jambi. Why Jambi? My parents have forestry there for about 10 years and still counting, but I haven't see it yet. Finally, here we are!
I walked for hectares trying to see the whole forest but I can't, too tired. It is literally tropical forest. I mean, a lot of big trees, very hot, strange insects, and so on that I can't see in the city. My parents told me how they spent days there to control the situation and I am amazed how God gives them strength, wisdom, and spirit to operate all the things. I never regrets spent my about four days holiday there.
Last month, all of my lectures said "this semester holiday is gonna your 'last holiday'".
Knowing that it will be my 'last holiday' I asked my parents to take me with them to Jambi. Why Jambi? My parents have forestry there for about 10 years and still counting, but I haven't see it yet. Finally, here we are!
 |
| The Car we usually use in the forest. |
 |
| Me and the stuff. |
 |
| A house in the middle of forest. |
I walked for hectares trying to see the whole forest but I can't, too tired. It is literally tropical forest. I mean, a lot of big trees, very hot, strange insects, and so on that I can't see in the city. My parents told me how they spent days there to control the situation and I am amazed how God gives them strength, wisdom, and spirit to operate all the things. I never regrets spent my about four days holiday there.
After Jambi, I went to Depok and had spent 3 days 2 nights with my college friends. My seniors said it will be full of tears and drama. The truth is, I had have fun! Oh yeah, there was a little tears but no drama.
 |
| Rombongan Tangerang |
 |
| Rombongan kampus |
 |
| Rombongan Jakarta Barat |
 |
| Rombongan kampus |
 |
| Rombongan Jakarta Utara |
 |
| >_< Bunnted >_< |
 |
| FULL TEAM! |
Obviously I am gonna miss this time because there is a lil' chance to us to gathering full team in years ahead. Have a full team gathering means the end of the semester, means it will be full of internship for the next a year, means the grade point will be known. And yes, two days ago I just have known my grade point... You know whattt... It was really, really unpredictable. My grade point is increased drastically. I don't expect my grade point will be increase because I know, my last semester (and my life) was tough. Even the grade point is higher more than what my academic adviser and I set in the beginning of semester. I really thanking God for this.
And the very great news is, one of my task, is will be published in the Academic Journal. Seriously...... I still can't believe it. I made the paper with my other three friends, and we are all so happy! And also, I really thanking God for this.
This is only by His Grace! He shows me the work of His hand in my life and others.
I really ready face my new adventure with God!
Saturday, May 9, 2015
Birthday wish :)
It is 25 years. We have been through it, God. I thank you for every second in my life, you never leave me alone. I think I don't deserve to make a wish for your love that you have given in my life is more than enough. But if I could, this is my birthday wish:
I've had just enough of the spotlight when it burns bright
To see how it gets in the blood
And I've tasted my share of the sweet life and the wild ride
And found a little is not quite enough
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with You
I've seen just enough of the quick buys of the best lies
To know how prodigals can be drawn away
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with You
'Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to You, compared to You
'Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to You so I surrender all...
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with You
Oh, filled with You, empty me
Saturday, May 2, 2015
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