Anak Selatan di Skyscraperland!

Jadi sebagai Anak (Jakarta) Selatan, sudah beberapa tempat di Selatan sini yang gue kunjungi bermodalkan gojeg, grabbike, ataupun dengan abang-abang ojek lainnya yang setia menemani. Pastinya tempat yang paling sering dikunjungi adalah tempat-tempat makan! Masih banyak tempat makan lainnya yang pengen gue icipin tapi belum terlaksana.

Sebagai anak selatan, gua suka juga jalan-jalan ke Timur, Barat, Pusat, Utara. Kalau ke Timur ya biasanya ke tempat kaka gua dan keluarganya. Di sana ada tempat makan sate dan tongseng yang enak banget, tapi lupa namanya (my bad!). Kalau di Barat, biasanya gua ke Mall Central Park. Sebenarnya gua bukan tipe yang suka jalan di Mall sih, biasanya gua ke sana Gereja aja di APL-nya sama temen-temen gua yang di Jakarta. Kalau di Pusat belum ada cerita yang seru. Kampus gua kan perbatasan Selatan-Pusat. Kalau di pojokan Pantry gua ada di Pusat, geser dikit, gua udah di Selatan lagi.

Nah, dalam beberapa minggu belakangan ini si Anak Selatan lagi sering banget ke Utara. Jauh. Oh ya, masih edisi naik motor-motoran itu juga. Seneng sih karena akhirnya ada manusia-manusia kreatif yang ciptain aplikasi pesan ojek secara online, jadi kemana-mana gak pake mahal, gak pake lama, gak pake cape. Pernah sekali waktu, gua ke utara malem-malem karena mau ke nikahannya temen. Berencana mau naik taxi aja karena pake dress dan sudah dandan cantik tapi ternyata itu aplikasi untuk pesen taxi harus di update dulu. Lama deh. Akhirnya pesen grabbike aja. Untungnya gua memang sudah pada dasarnya cantik, tetap cantik sampai tiba di lokasi dan gak berubah wujud meskipun malem itu harus diterpa angin. Gua akalin pake cardigan biar gak terlalu ribet dan kedinginan, karena gak mungkin banget kan ke kondangan bawa-bawa jaket motor.  

Sering ke Utara kali ini disponsori oleh penempatan kerja praktek. Jadi gua ditempatkan di salah satu institusi pemerintah yang berbasis militer. Seharusnya kerja praktek ini sudah di mulai dari hari Senin kemarin (12/10) sesuai jadwal yang ada, tapi karena ada suatu masalah jadi sampai detik ini gua masih luntang lantung ke sana ke mari enggak karuan sementara temen-temen gua lainnya sudah duduk manis di tempat praktek masing-masing. Sebenarnya gak begitu-begitu banget sih gua, beruntung gua dapet intern-mate yang cerdas. Dia selalu kasih ide untuk melakukan hal-hal yang bermanfaat saat-saat menunggu kepastian seperti ini. Misalnya: karaoke. 

Oya, sebenarnya ada gak enaknya juga sih naik-naik ojek gitu. Belakangan ini hampir tiap hari jadinya gua masuk angin. Kadang gua juga sok kuat sih enggak pake jaket kalau lagi naik motor.Well, ada satu hal sih yang gua sadari. Gua udah enggak takut lagi naik motor semenjak peristiwa kecelakaan yang gua alami sekitar dua tahun yang lalu. 

Sekarang ini, gua masih menanti keputusan komandan, bagaimana gua dan intern-mate gua akan jadi seperti apa nasibnya. Gua bukan takut dimana gua akan ditempatin sih, gua cuma ngeri karena batas pengumpulan kasus tinggal sekitar semingguan lagi, sementara gua masih belum jelas dimananya. Deg-deg-an. Ada pertanyaan: "bisa sempurna gak ya gua ngerjain kasusnya dalam waktu sesingkat ini" dalam hati gua. Yang gua senang dalam situasi seperti ini, gua punya kepercayaan "God is in control" jadi meskipun gua tau ada masalah, gua bisa tetap tenang dan berpikir jernih.

Season internship ini gua sebut dengan Cynthia in skyscraperland. 

Lupa

Mungkin kita terlalu sibuk untuk duduk bersama
Mungkin kita terlalu sibuk untuk bercerita
Mungkin kita terlalu sibuk untuk mendengarkan
Mungkin kita terlalu sibuk untuk hadir dalam kehidupan masing masing.

Mungkin kita lupa alasan kita sibuk adalah untuk duduk bersama, bercerita, mendengarkan, dan hadir dalam kehidupan masing-masing.

Bogor, 6 Okt 2015
- Dalam kesibukan

My hope is found

One fine evening, I was running with a friend. We decided to separate our way because we cannot make the same pace.
And when I ran, suddenly a random thought came up in my mind.

"How long, dear, how long you would like to go alone by yourself?"

***

As a psychology student, I tend to think self-centered, especially clinical psychology. I tend to analyze such: "What does make a person can have a specific personality...?", "What is the underlying motives of someone when he/ she doing something..?". That kind of questions I internalizing to myself. It makes me going crazy because I always end up with the way to see myself: I am not good enough to be loved, to have friends, to have family, to be success.

At the same time, my relationship with others ruin by the negative emotions I hold on so much and finally "boom!". Yes, exploded! But I really realize I am blessed surrounded with best friends who are loveable and have patients for they can understand me even when I don't.

***

Back to the question that cross my mind in that evening... I know I missed something on this journey. Someone reminds me that "It is good to see yourself, bad and good side, but it cannot stop there. Look beyond your self. It is God at the cross for you. So whatever you may feel about yourself, as long as you go back to God, you are loved. God already has give everything for you!"

He created me with purpose so I no longer walk alone. Not necessarily overwhelmed with my weakness. For in my weakness He will be glorified! And I realize, growth in God's grace is a process and not an event. I don't have to avoid the difficulties of life, but I can rest assured that He will use each moment to prepare me for the place He is taking me!

Testing the limit

Huhf! Finally, an exhausted season is going slow down. In many ways, I've been tempted with anger and everything about emotion by some uncomfortable events. Feels like God testing the limit of my self: patient, endurance, faithfulness, and everything. I have questioned Him once, why? And I've got the answer. It because He loves and wants me to improve my weakness and at the same time to blessing others. Everything He has allowed to happen is blessing in disguise.
Each moment that happening increases my assertiveness, and I'm starting to try let go what is on my mind. And when I am about to give up, there is always at least a person who remind me that I might be not like to stop now because it is too late to return to where I start.
Now, I know my limit more clear. I know my self more clear. And the most important thing is I know who is create me more clear.
And I am so excited yet a bit afraid what I am going to face next.. I am still working on my faith and praying that God will always remind me that He guides me along the way yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

Breath taking.

I am so overwhelmed - emotionally and physically. The horrible things is I cannot find right words to describe it. I am so sick, upset, irritated, and tired of many things. What makes it worse is some people want to know about it without caring but asking me with so many questions. Can't they just be silent?
I am not capable also to show my anger, my disappointment, nor my protest in a proper way so I keep it for my self alone.

Once, I ask God deeply..... Why should I in this situation? You know that I don't like to be the center of attention, do I? Why people treat me inappropriate? Why do some people are try to mess up my mind? Why do you allow my emotions, my feelings just like a roller coaster.. - In this up and down emotion, I try very hard not to ruin my relationship with others.

This time, it's hard, yes, it's hard...

Holiday is (almost) over

Woohoo.. I am so happy about this holiday and life nowadays. I feel full of energy surrounded by friends. And I feel great when I add some new knowledge to my brain. I've got so many insights that make me excited for life ahead.
I don't have what-to-do list in this holiday. Actually, I'd like to travel but as a student (again) I do not have my own money to fulfill this wish. Poor me. But I think that is good enough because so there is only one thing in my list: get some rest! (I almost sleep late lately). In fact, taking rest is not the only one I did, I become upik abu because my Assistent Rumah Tangga is mudik. Beside become upik abu,  I hang out with my brothers and sister from my local church. One of brothers is just back from Bengkulu. He works there and I am happy to see him here.

A lot of things happen in the past days, study and exams are still dominating my days. Fyi, there is always be an exam in the end of the week. Believe it or not, I love it. I really love analyzing what is really happen inside someone although sweat comes out from my head, my hand shakes (tired after writing 8 pages folios exam) and it can make me headache but it is okay. I want to help people. I love see people improving their ability to live, to love, and to dream.

Beside study, this month is the end of LG and LCG season. What is that? Hmm.. You can read my last couple post, I have explained about that. I have a sister in LCG and we usually meet for 1-2 hours per week to update one another's life. She is a very great listener and friend. A bit anxious about the new beginning of the next LCG. Can I adapt again, sharing about my personal life, with new sister in the next season of LCG? I have difficulties in interpersonal relationship with new people and I am still trying to fix it.

Last thing I want to update here is I am very blessed because I met again with my old friend after months, the one who I think is never give up on me. Actually so many questions about this friendship. Well, let God use this friendship to bless one another and see where He want 'us' go.
Tomorrow is my last holiday and I am ready to study again. I hope everyone have a great holiday as happy as me even more!

Fearless.

Half way to the end of this year. What will happen in the rest of this year? What will happen next month? What will happen tomorrow? What will happen tonight? Will I get a difficult client in my internship? Will I have to deal with complicated case? Am I capable enough to be a psychologist?

I am afraid. 

I am ashamed of being scared and afraid of my future for I know I have a big God. Blessed me, I always have people who always remind me there is nothing to worry about. Last weekend, I met two of my ex co-workers. We talked about how our life is going. I can see the hand of God who has done a great work on them and I believe He won't stop there. As I saw how God works on their life, my ex co-worker said to me, she also see how I have been growing in maturity. For me, personally, yes, I have changed but there is still a lot of room improvement that I need to keep on going. One of them is my doubt about the future, about my self, and my life.

In that meeting we talk about how Jesus Christ describe His self as the Vine, and we, people, are the branches. And he wants us to be always remain on Him so we can be fruitful. And that is the sign of true disciples. And it will bring glory to Father.

It teaches me about God's character. God is the responsible one for the growing of the branches. So if I can reflecting that passage to my condition now, I feel like I don't need to worry as long as I remain on Him - not count on my own strength. For He will taking care my life. And what I need to do is to be fruitful - using everything that He has given to me. So if in the future I have to face failure (again), I may feel discourage, I may feel upset, but what I will not go apart from Jesus. I want to keep believe and remain on Him for the failure is one of ways He prunes and purifies me.

My daily applications to responds the words are:
- Keep reading holy bible
- Keep praying about everything
- Take any chances when other need my help (when I possible to help)
- Think and do other ways to help people if they ask my favor when I can't do it
- Text or call my friends to show them that I am care for them

Well, my insecurity is: 'what if I failed? what if they are not reply my message, say no to me, or reject me?", I will not give up and stop. I will always remain on Him and will be fruitful.

I am not going to quit.